I’m pleased to report that after my low the other day, I’m starting to feel a lot more positive and upbeat about everything in my life. I’ve been to the gym a couple of times and going through the pain barrier more quickly. This is making me feel much more positively energised physically and emotionally.
I’m following a decent diet now, which contains plenty of fresh fruit, vegetables and raw foods. I’ve also managed to cut out most of the rubbish and get some proper sleep.
After the awful day I had where I messed up that project, I’ve managed to turn things round at work and my boss has been very sympathetic and has even offered me time off if I need it. I feel much more valued member of the team and everyone has been really great, I think they have all realised I’m not a bad person and I usually try really hard and that I must have issues to have let them down.
I did tell my boyfriend about what happened the other day and he was very sympathetic. He said he understood and said that he was obviously very worried about me, and would keep a slightly closer eye on me, and has asked me to speak to him more about my inner feelings. My body image issues have been getting worse and I think it’s due to the stress of work and life.
So all in all, things are slightly more positive. I’m getting regular exercise at the gym, and I’m using the information I’m getting from people on the Internet to get myself a proper diet and positive energy system going.
Hopefully my next blog post will be the more upbeat, I am looking to lose weight and tone up, but not do anything crazy.
But as you know the rollercoaster of life can sometimes make this difficult to achieve, and sometimes you feel great one day and then something completely unexpected hit you in the face the next. I know, I know, that is a negative outlook, but anyone reading this will know that it is also the truth. I hope you have a good day wherever you are.
Today has not been great and if I’m honest I’m feeling very low about myself today.
First of all I had a disaster at work. I took ages over a simple project and missed the deadline. It’s something I’ve done hundreds of times before and I should have done really easily. But I have been so distracted with my thinking that I missed the deadline and put a lot of people’s noses out of joint.
I am relied on to do this and my boss and other people in my team are not very happy with me. I just don’t know what happened, I thought I was in control of everything and then all of a sudden the deadline had passed and I was miles away from even getting it together. I feel completely crushed about that.
What made it worse was that I then went home and ate a lot of food in my depression. I have not done this for years and it’s going against everything I’m trying to achieve with better diet, exercise and fitness.
It wasn’t a really big binge or anything, but it was enough to make me feel sick and scare me. At one point I even thought about making myself throw up, which would have obviously been something even more serious.
It’s a shame that I have reacted this way, as the previous week has been great, I’ve been exercising well, joined the gym and my diet and body fitness have been improving. But what happened today crushed me and I sit here now feeling completely broken. My partner will be home soon and I am not sure I want to tell him, because it will worry him sick as well.
On the plus side, I’m trying to now put this behind me by writing this and I’m thinking that tomorrow is another day and I’m going to be better and stronger than I have been today. I’m going to go into work and apologise everyone in my team face-to-face and explain that I’ve been having a few problems out of work. I will go into detail, but I think is important they understand, then I’m going to go and speak to my boss personally.
I meant to go to the gym and going to eat well and am going to try and put this overeating problem behind me, and focus on getting back into a great diet and exercise routine.
When I got home from work today I found that somebody had parked in the allocated parking space we have outside our place. We do have two allocated space, but my partner’s car was in the other one.
I have never seen his car before and I was really really angry that they had parked in what was obviously a parking space labelled as belonging to a house that they were not visiting.
And surely if they were visiting somebody else, that person would have said that they couldn’t park where they had?
It really got to me and I spent the next six hours looking out of the window every five minutes hoping to catch sight of who they were. If I could see them, I’m pretty sure I was going to go out and shout at them. I’m feeling really angry today and bit concerned that I got into such a rage about a parked car.
I’m beginning to think that I’m emotionally suffering a bit, especially with my worry about my general health and well-being, and the diet and exercise issues that I am starting to confront.
On top of that, work has been a bit stressful and I think that things might be coming to a head on several fronts. I think I will need to speak to my partner soon in order for him to understand what is going on in my head, before I end up alienating myself through having a go at him about something.
Anyway, six hours after it appeared, the car disappeared and I didn’t have a chance to see them. I felt calmer once I parked my car in the space that was mine. I’m really concerned that I got so angry.
The past few weeks have been a real revelation to me. I think I have started confront the reality of where I am in terms of my general health. I started to focus more on the food and diet that I have, and to start seeing the truth about what I actually eat on a daily basis and how it affects me.
One thing I am going to do is to start juicing a bit. I started to look around at the amount of fruit and vegetables that me and my partner are throwing away every week. Because you just pick up a bit during preparation, or after you eat, and throw it in the bin, you don’t really notice the volume that is adding up. But this week I have been putting it all in a container and it is loads.
So what I’m doing is buying a blender that can juice as well. Then I’m going to start making daily vegetable and fruit juice blends, and including them in my diet. I’m not sure going to go on a proper juice diet, where you abstain from food and replace it with juice instead, but I think as a supplement as part of a general reduction in volume and change in food type, it could be useful.
The hardest meal of the day for me is lunch. I tend to overeat at lunchtime because I’ve been running around during the morning and I know probably won’t have time to eat anything until six or 7 o’clock in the evening. So what I’m thinking is if I take a freshly juiced blend of vegetables and fruit to work with me, I can drink that while working at my desk, and get a really good hit of energy and nutrients, but without having to stop and eat.
In other news, we are thinking of getting a pet dog. My partner said he would like one and was showing me some amazing little pedigree Alsatians that his friend has locally. The photos were adorable and I’m thinking that we might get one. I know an Alsatian is a big dog, and will be a lot of work, but I’m also thinking about my exercise issues and if I have to get out and walk a dog twice today, that is going to help me to be more physically active.
The past few weeks have been pretty troubling to me. I’m becoming more and more aware of my body image issues. I’ve always had them, and I’ve always struggled with my weight a bit, but they have becoming more intense recently.
I think I’m getting aware of how much I love my boyfriend and how I don’t want to lose him, and I’m getting paranoid that I don’t look my best that he will start to look elsewhere. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not exactly perfect himself physically, but when we are thinking this way I don’t think we think rationally do we?
I am trying really hard to do the right thing and I’ve been researching online to try and get some good diet and exercise information so that I can try and make a more balanced decision on where I am. I found some really good information out there, including Podaima Performance, and all this has helped me to try and get a sense of proportion of where I am in terms of my overall physical health.
But I think what I’m starting to understand is that my body image problem has been there pretty much all my adult life, and probably before. And it’s something I wasn’t really aware of I don’t think.
The problem I always seem to have is that I will go on a diet and get into a good exercise regime for a while, but then it starts to slip, and when it does I start to lose heart and it all goes downhill rapidly. So not sure if it’s I’m doing the wrong thing when I’m dieting and exercising, or its my emotional health crashes it too quickly.
I’m hoping that blogging about these issues will help me to confront them a bit better. Even typing out what I’ve written here is helping me to rationalise what is going around in my head. I can see that I’m not particularly overweight, or unattractive, but it has built up in my mind into something it probably isn’t recently. And I have to address that now, before it becomes a real problem that requires some sort of intervention.
I’m thinking of joining a gym and seeing if that sort of structured approach can help me to be more regimented in what I do. The problem with that is fitting it in time wise, and I’m concerned that I might get obsessed the other way and end up becoming a mental gym bunny.
I used to blog quite a bit and I have had several blogs in the past. But I decided to start a fresh blog for two reasons. Firstly, I can’t remember how to log into the other ones! Secondly, I want this one to be more around my current life, and talk more about my current issues.
Life’s been pretty good to me over the past few years and I think maybe me and my partner have become a bit complacent about things. When you don’t have to worry about money and your job is good, then those rewards can make you complacent in your personal health I feel. It’s not that you want to be unhealthy, but because you are spending time doing good things and working a lot of hours, you tend to not look at the basics.
I’m pretty sure that is what has happened to me and my partner.
I know we are a lot better off than a lot of people are, but I do also feel that when it comes to emotional problems we are all on a level playing field. It doesn’t matter if you are rich or poor, intelligent or ignorant, emotional health issues can destroy your ability to have a life at all.
And that’s part of the reason I’m starting this blog. I want to head off those issues which I can feel building up in my mind a bit. I’m hoping that by starting this blog I will give myself an outlet that will help me to come to terms with my feelings, explore them and decide on the best course of action to restore my health physically and emotionally.
I’m not sure how often I’m going to update it, I’m hoping every few days, as I wanted to be a bit of a journey blog. I’m hoping that someone will read it and find it useful. So although it is being written for my own benefit, as an outlet, I’m hoping that what I say will resonate with other people in my position and give them some food for thought as well.
This means I have to say sorry if you read this and wondering what on earth is about. The truth is I don’t know yet either. I just know it’s going to be about my emotional health, and specifically about how my poor diet and exercise choices may be impacting on my current low mood.